Is there such thing as religious identity-crisis?

As early as my elementary days, I think I’ve already had this crisis. I was born and raised a Catholic, but studied in a Born Again Christian school during my grade school years. I’ve just entered 1^st grade when our school suddenly converted from Catholic to Born Again. My parents didn’t seem to mind though, so for six years, I was heavily exposed to my school’s religious practices while being forced by my parents to attend regular Mass on Sundays.

I don’t really enjoy going to the Church to hear the Sunday Mass. Part of the reason was my frequent fainting spells halfway thru the Mass. But a big part of it was the fact that I enjoyed our Charismatic Fellowships in school much more than attending the regular Mass.

I transferred to a Catholic school during my high school days. That’s when I got exposed to the various Catholic beliefs and practices, like reciting the Angelus. I found myself struggling with the numerous prayers and saints that had to be memorized. My four-year stint in a Catholic school didn’t help much in my appreciation of my own religion. I’d often find myself praying without making a Sign of the Cross, confessing my sins directly to God, and reciting more personal prayers.

To make matters worse, I spent my colllege days in UP, a non-sectarian. There I met people from all walks of life and from various religious sects. It was there that I realized that there are a handful of people who are genuinely good but self-proclaimed Atheists at the same time.

It wasn’t long before I became part of the statistics of non-practicing Catholics. Sure, I’d go to Mass on some occasions like Christmas Day, New Year’s Day, Easter Sunday, and during my birthdays. On rare instances, I’d allow my mom to force me to join her to attend Sunday Mass… but that’s about it.

But even in the midst of this crisis, not once did I ever question the existence of God nor His relevance in my life. Though I’ve criticized why I had to memorize all those prayers and had to observe so many Catholic practices, I’ve always believed that there’s a God who is a Supreme Being and who has full control over all things. I know in my heart that He listens to my prayers and He make things happen. I may not have that close relationship with Him then, but I know He’s always there for me, whether or not I need Him.

About two years ago, during a dark phase in my life, I found myself slowly inching my way back to the Catholic faith. I started reading Kerygma and books by Bo Sanchez. Bouncing from one setback to another, I needed something to cling on to. I was able to cling on to God, who as always didn’t fail me, and my religion. After my son recovered from a bout with dengue, I made a promise to pray the Rosary everyday. Soon thereafter, I found myself praying the Rosary. It was the first time in my life that I’ve actually prayed it on my own and memorized the Mysteries.

Though I’ve managed to attend Mass more often over the years than during my growing up years, I still find some good excuse to skip it on some Sundays. After a few months of diligently praying the Rosary, I eventually grew tired of it, so I stopped. I’d rather not do it than do it halfheartedly, I said to myself. There are still times when I’d question the need to recite some prayers and follow certain routines just to profess my faith in God. Isn’t it possible to express my faith in simpler means?

To make things more complicated, my hubby recently suggested that we try out another religion, like that of the Born Again Christian groups. He observed that Born Again Christians seem more passionate about their religion, and he wanted us to be just as inspired. Though that idea crossed my mind countless times already, the mere thought of how my parents –who are now active members of a Catholic community– might take it as a slap on their faces, is enough to shut off any desire in me to veer away from my current religion. I don’t want it to be a cause of yet another family discord.

I guess my religious crisis is far from over. Nevertheless, I still remain faithful to God. I make it a point to spread His goodness and His abundance in the simplest way I know – making testimonials in my blogs. And I will always try to do good to other people, because ultimately, that’s what God expects from each one of us. I don’t know if following a certain religion can really assure me of salvation, but I firmly believe that being a good person and following God’s will can open up the heaven’s gate for me come Judgment Day.